Location: Wherever gullible investors can be found
Compensation: Limitless (until the SEC catches up)
Job Overview:
Are you a smooth talker with a gift for storytelling? Do you have the charisma to sell ice to penguins—or better yet, a failing penny stock to unsuspecting investors? If so, this is your dream job! We’re on the hunt for an ambitious, morally flexible individual to lead our stock pumping efforts. This is your chance to turn hot air into cold, hard cash. No experience with actual financial performance required (or even preferred).
Key Responsibilities:
• Denial as a Service: Become the face of optimism! Spin disasters into “strategic pivots” and poor earnings into “investments in the future.” Refuse to acknowledge anything inconvenient, like facts or auditors.
• Distraction Expert: Master the art of misdirection. Overshadow regulatory concerns with big announcements like vague “AI partnerships” or a revolutionary product launch that’s always just six months away.
• Deflection Tactician: Shift blame for any problems onto competitors, the economy, or “market conditions beyond our control.” Bonus points for creating enemies that don’t actually exist.
• Critic Slayer: Publicly attack anyone who dares question the narrative. Call them short-sellers, biased hacks, or bitter ex-employees. Whatever it takes to discredit dissent and keep the hype alive.
• Narrative Crafting: Use buzzwords like “game-changing,” “next-gen,” and “disruptive” liberally. The more confusing, the better. Investors love mystery!
Ideal Candidate Traits:
• Unshakable Confidence: You’re the type of person who can deliver a bad news report with a smile and convince people it’s actually great news. Bonus if you’ve ever sold a timeshare or a miracle diet pill.
• Charismatic Liar: You could sell a sandcastle to a tsunami. You don’t just tell lies—you make people want to believe them.
• Ethically Ambiguous: Let’s just say your moral compass doesn’t always point north. Gray areas? You live there.
• Emotion Manipulator: You understand that FOMO (fear of missing out) is the greatest tool in the investor toolkit. You can make “meh” sound like “must-buy.”
• Thick Skin: Critics, whistleblowers, and pesky journalists will come for you. If you can handle public scrutiny (and maybe a few lawsuits) without breaking a sweat, you’re perfect for the role.
Qualifications:
• Zero interest in corporate transparency or accountability
• A natural talent for turning buzzwords into entire press releases
• A track record of bending reality to your will (sales, marketing, or theatre experience preferred)
• Familiarity with how to almost comply with SEC regulations
What We Offer:
• Unlimited Income Potential: The sky’s the limit—until it isn’t.
• Flexible Hours: Work when inspiration strikes! (Just make sure you’re out of the country when the authorities come calling.)
• A Thrilling Work Environment: Forget 9-to-5 boredom; this job is full of high stakes, adrenaline, and possibly subpoenas.
• Networking Opportunities: Build connections with shadowy financiers, rogue traders, and a top-tier legal team.
How to Apply:
Send us your CV, a list of your most convincing lies, and a sample press release about a nonexistent product. Bonus points for including how you’d deflect scrutiny from a quarterly report showing zero revenue growth.
Disclaimer: We’re not saying this is illegal. We’re just saying you should have an exit strategy.
